The cat managed to squeeze her fat body through the child safety gate this morning. So while I was trying to get some productive me time before the morning officially started she was howling outside my door.
Then, wouldn't you know it the little boy woke up.
The cat and I have not been on speaking terms the rest of the day.
The morning went fine... toward the afternoon started to unravel. Nothing specific. Just little kids getting over colds and not in the mood to do what we had to do. Like eat lunch or go to school.
But we got out the door. We got to school. We got home. By the time I got the little girl down for her afternoon I was not in the best Madison Mood.
Then I got rejected for an online blogging job.
And the online magazine that has offered me a freelance job still isn't publishing any of my work.
I was stressed, annoyed with myself for being stressed, worried I'd been to sharp with the kids and basically just wanting my mom or my grandma.
Then I remembered that it was time for my weekly accountability in my writing group. Given that we literally spread across the globe and all at different stages in our writing we have decided the best thing is to post a bi-weekly word count. I posted honestly that I had not written a lot in my novel but had written a lot on the internet. Which made me feel guilty because a goal of mine in doing more writing for money was not to loose my artistic and personal writing. Oooops.
While I was down on myself I decided to go on Pinterest and pin workouts. Just to make myself feel guilty for not working out basically since I decided it was my goal for Lent.
Then I decided to stop. Just stop. I wanted to get rid this mood-- which had basically come from being pissed off at a cat and mutated into a full fledged "I SUCK DAY".
So, I turned on my favorite show. Yes, I did feel guilty for watching TV when I should be working. And for watching something pirated on the internet.
But I needed to shake this mood before my little girl woke up-- it wasn't fair on her to have a cold and a grumpy au-pair.
I calmed down as the inciting incident insued. While the baddies were taking hostages I began to think.
What was I really feeling so guilty for? Why was I celebrating an "I SUCK DAY"?
Because the cat had annoyed me and woken up the kids? Well, that is life and not really anything I should hate myself for.
Because the kids had been a bit temperamental? Well, I had dealt with it. Possibly not perfectly. But, then what all things considered we had had a good day. They had eaten nutritious meals. And we had I had played
games with them and read stories. It's not like I didn't do my job and
most the morning they were happy. They were sick and sleepy by lunch time. I hadn't given them a cold, so it wasn't a reason to hate myself.
I got rejected from a job I didn't really want. There was still plenty of work for me on different sites. Besides, more time for personal writing.
That the online magazine wasn't getting back to me? Well there was nothing I could do about that. I had done what I could. Again, more time for personal writing.
That I hadn't worked out? Well, I had taken the kids to the park that morning, which is on the other side of town. And once there we played a lot of tag, which was actually quite the workout. And another fun time I'd had with the kids. So this one was actually exercise and proof that I wasn't an awful caregiver.
That I was watching TV? Was there really a reason not to do something I knew would put me in a better mood? For watching it pirated? Well, yes. This is wrong. But technically I have this series (Yes, I have seen every episode of this show at least 8 times.) on DVD but it is an American DVD and doesn't work here.
So really I was left with no reason to hate myself. Then I was confused. Wait, I didn't have to feel guilty?
But guilt was such a constant companion in my life. What would I ever do without it? There was no substance to anything I was guilt tripping myself over, but I was still beating myself up over them because, surely, for some reason I should feel guilty.
Except I didn't need to feel guilty, as much as I habitually do walk around with this feeling. Why? Because I'm a woman? LDS? An artist? and that is simply how we live our lives??
Why???
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